Let me preface this story with saying yes, I think I am better than you if you don't have a more impressive wisdom tooth extraction story. I can't help it. It is a major flaw in the human race. But I'm not the only one. Here, let me insert a video, and if you don't want the video, I have included the dialogue in text form for your viewing pleasure. If you don't care for either (why are you here), then skip down until you hear think *tink*, then you may turn the page.
"I made the mistake of trying to tell a story about having only two wisdom teeth pulled. And I learned a lesson. Don't ever try to tell a two-wisdom-tooth story, because you ain't goin' nowhere. The four-wisdom teeth people are gonna parachute in and cut you off at the pass. "Halt! Halt with your two wisdom tooth tale!" You will never complete one - trust me. I was trying to tell my story ...
"You know, I had some wisdom teeth pulled ... I had two--"
"I had four pulled."
...No, five. No, nine! I had nine wisdom teeth pulled! All of mine were impacted, they were all coming in upside down, the roots wrapped around my tongue, coming out my nose ... there were tusks! I was a warthog! No anesthesia, they pulled them out with pliers, I was eating corn-on-the-cob that afternoon.
Pin the blue ribbon upon his chest. That knocks the socks off of my wisdom tooth tale."
*tink* You may now turn the page.
My face swelled up when I had my FOUR wisdom teeth pulled. And because of that flaw I mentioned in the human race, yes, I got dry socket in two of my teeth because I kept throw-throw-throwing up after taking Vicodin, thereby pushing out two of my bloodclots. I know you're thrilled to read this.
Speaking of that dry socket, the night that was the worst I took a bunch of pain meds and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning watching infomercials, and crying. Imagine me, perched on the side of my bed, tears streaming down my face for what had been hours at that point, watching an infomercial on mineral makeup, reveling in how amazing the results were. I needed that mineral makeup. Sob. Needed. Needless to say I didn't get the makeup and I had to take a suppository to stop being nauseous.
Anyway, there are two pictures from my wisdom teeth extraction, one I call the "girl" picture:
And one I call the "boy" picture:
Now I want to state, for the record, I was not allowed to put photos of myself online while I was in high school. And for the most part, I complied. Until this photo was taken.
There is a website called hotornot.com where you upload a photo of yourself and people rate how hot you are. And I just checked to make sure it still exists, and it appears that yes, people are still wanting low self esteem by putting pictures of themselves online for people to rate how hot they are. It's redonk.
So anyway, I decided to go against my mother's wishes, and I put the boy photo of myself online as a dude.
Aaaaallll that to say:
The ladies think I'm a 7.