Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Miss J and the moldy sandwich.

Do you watch America's Next Top Model?  If you don't, how do you expect to be fabulous, ever?  You're not smizing!

One of the judges and modeling coaches is Miss J.

One time when I was in Eugene rollin' with my homies, a friend asked me what I thought of Miss J.  And because I can't just answer a question quickly or straightforwardly, I proceeded with a story.

Once when I was in high school and my mom still packed my lunches, I had, uh, disposed of a bagel sandwich she had made me, yet I had not eaten.  I'll get back to that.  The point is, I forgot about it.

I lost something in my room one time (not that uncommon, someday I'll scan the pictures I took of my high school room) and my dad said he could find it.

He got down on his knees.

He reached his arm under the bed.

He pulled out a moldy bagel sandwich still in the zip lock bag.  Dark green mold.

And of course I was just standing there being useless and got to watch with growing horror as he looked at the sandwich and then looked at me.

"What is this?"

I don't remember what my answer was, but "buhhhhh" sounds about right.

"I'm going to make you eat this sandwich."

I was TERRIFIED.  I could get really sick if I ate that sandwich!  That's child abuse!  And you know what else it was?  Ridiculous.  My dad, the guy who made eye glasses out of those plastic Easter eggs and would say things like "oscillate" while "dancing" in the kitchen (he is white, remember, he was not the Pepper of Salt and Pepper) and the most abusing he got with us kids was just getting so utterly frustrated by the stupid things we did that he would bite his tongue (we all have that face down) and rub his forehead until the skin turned raw.  And I thought he was going to force me to eat a moldy sandwich.

He walked out of the room and threw it in the kitchen garbage.

That feeling of terror though?  When I thought my father was Mommie Dearest? (WIIIIRRREEE HANGAAARRSSS = moldy sandwich)

That's how I feel about Miss J.  Terrified, but then also relieved.  I mean, he is fabulous.

Miss J is, I mean.  I guess my dad is also sort of fabulous, but in a hetero kind of way.


  1. Dude. I LOVE Miss J. Why isn't he on the judging panel this cycle??

    P.S. That's disgusting. But I remember pouring some Baco's in a plastic bag and hiding them in my room to snack on, and forgetting about them for about 6 months. The gross part is that when I found them, they still looked exactly the same. Bluh.

  2. I remember a cycle where one of the models consistently referred to Miss J as "she". It was terribly amusing.

    Once I left green pepper slices in my lunch box till they turned red. My mom made me eat them. I was sad and a little gaggy.

  3. I should have made you eat that sandwich because, "It's not what you want that makes you fat, it's what you get".

  4. WHY was I still making your lunches when you were in HIGH SCHOOL?????

  5. I think you were trying to save money. And maybe make some penicillin on the side.

  6. Glad I came over from Bye Bye Pie to read your blog...should've known I would laugh cos I think your comments there are hilarious sometimes! Oh, and you've probably heard this before, but your cat pics are amazing.

  7. lawmommy, I'm so FLATTERED! But I'm also kind of egocentric. And no, I've only gotten a few comments from my mom about the cat photos, and while that's nice, I mean, it's my mom. She has to say nice things and she'll dig wherever she needs to to say them.

    Also? I seriously read it as "lawn mommy" every time now.


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