It's always the ones you don't think would hurt you, that do.
I had a slight altercation with Hank. Perhaps 7 months into this relationship was too long. Or perhaps the fact that I drove her in front of a car that was moving 40 miles an hour while shouting out "T-bone me! T-bone me!" is what did us in. Quite literally.
Last night I was pulling out of a side street when I was a big fat dummy and didn't see the girl driving towards me on my left. I saw her too late, tried to speed up, and she swerved like a madwoman (in slightly the wrong direction) and hit my car. I like to think I can blame her. Because I pulled out in front of her. Remember that part about being a big fat dummy?
It totally ruined my dinner plans.
I'm part of the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. I've had my little sister for a few months now, and I picked her up last night to celebrate a belated birthday with her. We hadn't gone 300 feet from her house before my attempted murder of Hank. The reason I tell you this totally embarrassing part about putting my Little in danger is that I have to check in with someone at Big Brothers every month to see how things are going. She wrote me a few days ago and had a list of questions for me to answer. One of which was the following:
2) What are some of the safety precautions you take as a Big to make sure that your little is safe when hanging out with you?
"Well, first I make sure she buckles that seat belt up. Then I look over at her and say "HOLD ON!" while I pull out in front of a car during a left-hand turn. I mean, she's gotta find out sometime, right? Life lessons!"
Oh. And the irony. The stone-cold, slap you in the face, never call you back after that first date that you thought went really well irony. When the cop came and talked to me and got all my information, he suddenly said, "That shirt is appropriate."
I could not make this stuff up if I tried.
Please note the small "ctrl + z" to the side of the car crash. Control z is "undo". Unfortunately, no one had a keyboard handy. And believe it or not, I was wearing my slimming bra.
I have a really horrendous looking bruise on my hip that I'll show you later. I know you're excited. Holy crap, I was just about to make a joke about how I got injured and it wasn't even anyone's birthday before I realized why I was taking my Little out in the first place.
Okay, here's where you leave comments to me about how glad you are that I'm not dead. Because we all know Jesse would never clean the litter box unless Suki dropped a particularly nasty dookie.